SS Merion.

The SS Merion was an American battle ship sunken by a German submarine. End of story. ...for the ship.

...but not the blog post.

I think that I am a battle ship attempting to fight off too much at once. I can't keep dodging torpedo after torpedo. It's getting old. It's making me sick.

To be honest, when I was cleaning my room to replace furniture, I found more hospital bands and get well cards. It was ridiculous. I could wallpaper my room pretty much.

I'm sick of things being wrong. One thing after another. I was just in the hospital this morning, yet again.

Reason so: I've been getting a bit light headed and dizzy for the past year now. I didn't think it was that bad. At first I was only getting it for a split second if I would get up from a seat. I thought it was because I was getting up too fast.

About a month ago, it all of the sudden got worse. I keep blacking out for a second when I stand up. Literally. I get so dizzy I can't see for a second or two. I thought I could be anemic because I'm pescetarian. I felt most of the symptoms. I didn't want to admit I have another illness because I'm pretty sure I have enough of them, am I right? I don't want to look like a hypochondriac.

I went to get checked yesterday, and my mom made a big deal "she's not eating". I wanted to slap her. She knows damn well I've been eating. I just happened to cut some calories out and I cut out the really bad things. I've been doing great. ...but nevermind all of that. The doctor asked me about my diet, and she said I'm really healthy and am at a perfect BMI. (I disagree. Sure in American obesity standards, but def not in the ballet world.) She gave me a slip to have bloodwork done for the next morning.

Last night I looked up what symptoms could've led to. Diabetes, pneumonia, anemia, you name it. I posted that little status saying how I hope the bloodwork turns out okay and went to bed. Well, I went to bed and I couldn't sleep for shit. Anytime I would almost fall asleep, I would get super dizzy. Dizzier than ever. The room would spin and I'd black out for a second. Then get a really bad hot flash. I pretty much felt like I was going to die. I was too scared to go to sleep from that point. I tried several times. Each time I would almost fall asleep, it would happen worse the next time. I couldn't stop crying.

So I got up out of bed and walked around a bit. Got a sip of cranberry and sat at the computer again because what else could I have done at about 3am? I'm glad Alie was there to make me happy. I talked to her on AIM as I watched half of The Karen Carpenter Story. (Sad by the way, I def suggest it.) At about 4:15, I decided to attempt to go to bed again because god forbid mom gets up and sees me on.

I get to bed, put on my Early November playlist on my nano, and attempt to go to sleep again. Same shit. Even worse. I tried several times. Each time I would sit up during a hot flash was when it would stop. So I tried sleeping on extra pillows for elevation. Didn't help. I didn't know what to do.

Why wake mom up if there's nothing wrong? I'm sick of making her take me to the damn hospital all the time. I'm sick of being an inconvenience because I'm always sick. That woman has taken me to every hospital, appointment, procedre, etc. I'm pretty sure I've been to almost every hospital on the gulf coast by now. (I've counted about 8 different ones I've been admitted to.)

I was determined to keep trying to sleep. I was NOT going to bother her. Finally at about 5am, this giant one came about and that was it. I was finally like "umm I think I'll wake her up now". So I gathered the will power to do so. She woke up and her natural reaction was "okay, do you want to go to the hospital? I'll take you...". Mind you, it was pouring. I love how taking me is nothing to her. I hate admitting when I'm sick. I just want to be healthy for a day. That's all I ask for.

So we went and had several tests done. They came back with the resuts, and I have nothing medically wrong. This is where I actually admitted there had to be something because I'm not one to just say oh yeah I think I have something. I wait for it to get really bad to be sure.

They said it could be neurogical. I'm so sad and have so much stress and anxiety that it made me sick was pretty much what they were saying. From being so damn sick my whole life and failing in school because of it and not making anything of myself because it stopped me. So bad that it made me drop out. Dropping out just added more stress. Losing my best friend didn't help either. One wrong thing after another.

Oh, and tomorrow it will be three months he'll be gone for. I still can't grasp the fact that it happened. That's really making me sick. I'm trying to handle too much at once. Yeah, sure I'm excited to be moving to Jersey next month, but that's not fixing the damage that's already been done. (Oh shit. I've been so worked up that I forgot to post a happy exciting post about how I'm moving! I'll do it later I guess. That exclamation point took energy...)

I managed to get three hours of sleep. I woke up at 12 (an hour and a half ago) balling my eyes out once again. I can't stop. At times when I blink, these letters start to look italic to me because my eyes are so glossy and keep letting out fucking tsunamis. I don't think I can handle much more. I used to smile things off, but how much is really possible to smile off until you can't anymore?

♥♪♫♥